The Literature Committee always welcomes submissions from fellows relating their experience, strength and hope.
We have a growing selection of stories that you can find HERE.
These personal stories will be published as collections for the benefit of the entire fellowship.
Please contribute your own experience with the Steps and life in sobriety by clicking Submit Your Share Now.
Meditations from CMA's Work in Progress - Voices of the Fellowship: Daily Meditations
Beginning Right Where You Are
It is ok to begin your recovery from crystal meth addiction at the beginning--in this moment. You can't have a different past but this moment is yours to create and the things you do in this moment will create your future. It seems simple to say, that "I will start where I am". But we often want to begin where we 'should be' or where other people have told us we ought to be.
As crystal meth addicts we have gotten out of harmony with our world. Our relationship with ourselves was broken. Our relationship with others might have been broken. And our relationship with spirituality, God or the Universe might be completely disconnected. But our connection with kindness and compassion is right here, in this moment. We can give ourselves a break, we can stop demanding that we be perfect, wanting to have more days than we actually have, or be in a different place financially. We can simply let ourselves be who we are and give ourselves permission to start where we are.
Affirmation: Today I recognize that I am here for a reason. Let me be honest and kind with myself--as I am--so that I may move forward in compassion. In this moment, I start by looking at the past so that I may know where I come from. Let me turn this experience into usefulness for myself and others, as I move forward.
“We become an unconditional friend to ourselves. We get a simple and direct relationship with the way we are.”
-What About Meditation? (CMA Pamphlet)
In the rooms of CMA we learn to treat ourselves with the same kindness we show to other recovering addicts. Slowly we begin to internalize the love and acceptance we receive from the fellowship. Without even realizing it, we’ve started accepting ourselves just as we are in this moment.
Our fellows told us they found deeper self-acceptance through meditation. At first we balked at the idea. “No way can I sit with myself.” After all, we used crystal meth to avoid being with ourselves. It’s not an easy prospect for people who used meth to escape. Not to worry, simply take one deep breath, followed by a slow exhalation. Breathe and exhale one more time and we are on our way.
If we give it time and practice, meditation can be an effective tool of recovery, showing us the way to compassionate self-acceptance. It’s a great way to become an unconditional friend to ourselves.
Action: Today, I will find several times to pause and breathe. With each inhale and exhale, I will find moments of acceptance.
Being Gentle on Ourselves
“In all things, I need to remember to be gentle on myself but hard on my disease.”
Striving to maintain our sobriety can sometimes feel like a fight against our very selves. We can be so serious about getting to meetings and searching through our motives and intentions, it can feel like we don't have room to breathe. That's when we have to remember there's a difference between being tough on our addiction and tough on ourselves.
Sometimes we forget to show love to the recovering addict in us. We've got to let go of perfectionism--staying sober is not an easy task, and we aren't going to be able to maintain anything like perfection. That doesn't mean we give ourselves the "easier, softer way," it just means we practice being kind to ourselves when we make mistakes. Feeling safe, loved, and supported will cement our recovery.
If we find we're resenting the program, or getting burned out, it's important to restore some joy to our recovery. The more we enjoy the fellowship, the more likely it is we'll stick around. We remain focused on fighting this disease. And that includes having fun.
Prayer: Higher Power, help me to treat myself with kindness so I don't make the job of staying sober any harder than it needs to be.
“No matter what.”
“Don’t pick up no matter what.”
-Twelve Step wisdom
This suggestion bothered some of us at first. After all, “just say no to drugs” didn’t work all that well. But “don’t pick up no matter what” is so much more than saying no. It reminds me that, no matter what happens, drugs are not the solution they used to be. I can get fired, have my heart broken, or lose a dear friend and not use. All around me are fellows who’ve lived through all of these situations--and worse--without feeling the need to get high.
And it tells me that I can stay sober no matter what I have to do. When I get triggered today, I ask myself if I might be hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, and take steps toward addressing those needs. I get away from people, places, or things that are troublesome. I’m willing to reach out to my sponsor and other fellows for help. I can pray to my Higher Power, hit a meeting, or pick up literature or my Step work. I can try to help someone else who’s struggling. No matter what craving, fear, or fantasy I’m having, today I can pause and take a breath...whatever it is, it will pass.
Intention: My fellows survive all sorts of tragedies and celebrate every kind of victory without getting high. They are doing whatever it takes to stay sober. Today, I won’t pick up, no matter what.
From My Head to My Heart
“Humility is an action…it brings perspective.”
-CMA Reading – Twelve Steps: A Plan of Action
When I was a newcomer, I heard many things, but I hardly listened. I was given many suggestions and told many truths, but my answer was always, “I know, I know.” I really didn’t know. Most of what I heard went in one ear and out the other. You could say I was unteachable. My overblown ego told me I was either too smart, too bad, too unique, or too much of a victim to apply these truths to my situation.
Then one day, a fellow addict said something that spoke to my heart instead of my head. He said, “Get over yourself!” It was an arrow that pierced my heart. But it also pierced the bubble of my too-big ego—it was the most freeing thing I’d ever heard. I saw myself in a whole new way. I found some humility, though I didn’t recognize it for what it was. I could really listen and learn from others. I was finally teachable. I was able to get a bit more right-sized and move forward in my Step work and recovery. I was finally open-minded and open-hearted.
Intention: Today I will listen with my heart. I will be open-minded and teachable. I am not that good and not that bad.
Tools vs. Weapons
"Keep in mind that these tools are not meant to overwhelm us. They are based on the experience of addicts who have found a solution.”
-CMA Pamphlet - Sober Tool Kit
In CMA we’re offered many powerful tools. Meetings, the Twelve Steps, a sponsor, literature—they’re all recommended to help us recover from our addiction to crystal meth. As addicts, many of us share the tendency toward perfectionism. We always want to go faster and do more. It’s easy for us to feel like we’re not doing enough: not going to enough meetings, not calling our sponsor enough, not doing our Step work as fast as someone else.
The tools of CMA are here to give us relief and guide us in recovery, not for us to use as weapons to beat ourselves up. Though we’re still learning to implement these tools, we practice them to the best of our ability and build our recovery at our own pace. The program is meant to lift us up, not bring us down. We spent enough time harming ourselves and dwelling on our failures—now we show ourselves patience and love.
Intention: Today I will work the necessary tools to put my recovery first and know that it will be enough.
It’s an Inside Job
These women discovered in recovery that they were the problem and the solution was in the rooms of CMA.
I Was Living with an Addict...It Was Me
This gun-toting mother of two with decades of sobriety recounts her powerlessness and unmanageability with humor and dead-seriousness. She took her first step at an Al-anon meeting and eventually found her home in CMA.
When my oldest daughter was five our car broke down in the middle of town. We lived 20 miles away in the canyons outside of Redlands, California. I had no money or cell phone back then so I told her to stick out her thumb and we'd get a ride. Being the bright child that she was, my daughter was not okay with this idea. I told her it was safe because I had a loaded gun in my purse.
A few weeks later, I told that same daughter to grab me a soda, bring her sister's diaper bag, and several other things to which she replied, “Mommy, you're going too fast.” And I was going too fast because I had done about a half an 8 ball of meth already that day. It was 10 am. I was an abusive and unpredictable parent. I was not much better at being a wife, daughter or friend either.
We had lots of guns back then. Meth addicts are paranoid. We were no exception. I lived in Redlands with my two kids and my husband.We had an open marriage because neither one of us could keep a commitment. I had uncontrollable sexual desires. In addition to the kids and the husband, my boyfriend lived with us too.
The Killer is in the House
A survivor of early trauma, this CMA member came out as trans at a young age in an unsafe environment. The “negative ticker tape” was installed early in her head. She had to reach a new bottom in order to discover that those voices could destroy her unless she “worked the Steps like her life depended on it” and faced the “killer” down.
I’m a crystal meth addict and I’m SOBER AF! I’m also TRANS AF! I’d also like to start by saying that I am a trauma human.
I was sexually abused before I could walk. There was a lot of physical violence in our home which landed us in a domestic violence shelter by the time I was six. I was sexually trafficked by age 11. I came out as trans when I was a little human in an unsafe environment. I was homeless by the time I was 16 and living out of my car.
What I want to say about my trauma is my trauma doesn’t make me an addict. What makes me an addict is that when I put a drug of any kind—alcohol, crystal meth, or whatever—it releases a negative ticker tape in my mind. Those voices were installed by all that trauma when I was a little human. My ticker tape tells me, “I have no friends, nobody loves me, I don’t want to be here, I want to get the fuck out.” Those are the messages that replay in a loop over and over. “If you went through what I went through, then you’d use the way I use.”
Working and Living the Steps
These two members of CMA relate how discovering the 12 Steps of CMA changed their perception of the world and showed them a new way to live.
Comfort of the Steps
We aren't born knowing how to use and we aren't born knowing how to deal with our addiction and difficult life issues. He was introduced to the 12 Steps of CMA, and following the clear suggestions from fellows, discovered he could not only live through anything, but thrive and find true comfort in the Steps. He says, "by doing this, I find true joy, walking hand-in-hand with others on the same path."
At 8 years old, my cousin showed me how to take a little whiskey from each bottle in her dad's bar to make a drink.
At 13, the boys in my Boy Scouts troop taught me how to get a drunk adult outside a liquor store to buy a bottle for us.
At 20, my roommates taught me how to do a line. It took a little time to learn the tools and the lifestyle.
At 28, my neighbors taught me how to smoke speed. It took a little time to learn those tools.
At 31, I had no idea how to not do these things anymore.
I spent my first week sober detoxing in four jails and two courthouses. From there I spent 90 days in a behavior modification rehab. They taught me to shower daily, shave regularly, do my laundry, and put it away. On day one there, they taught me to make my bed before we ate breakfast.
My Higher Power Is the Real World
Recovery without a belief in God has been an option from the early days of the Twelve Steps. This addict/alcoholic tells his journey to freedom in the Steps. He says, "My higher power is the real world," explaining just what that means to him.
If it was just alcohol, I could've lived with that. Yes, alcohol did lead me to waking up on the restroom floor of my favorite leather bar with my fly down and my shirt inside out. But hey, who hasn't been there? However, it was the crystal that made me disappear for days at a time, experiencing symptoms mimicking paranoid schizophrenia. That was what made me notice that I had a problem. That, and testing positive for HIV. This was in 1994, back in the death sentence days. I vowed that I was going to live a healthier life, but here I was, doing hard drugs again.
The person with whom I was on my latest run had the Serenity Prayer written with sharpie on a piece of cardboard, thumb tacked to the wall of his flophouse. He had expressed a desire to get sober, and told me about a meeting he had gone to. But he also told me that the neighbors would peek in on us through the one-way mirror in the bathroom (which would've been quite a trick, because the mirror was the door to a medicine cabinet.) Still, when I came down from that run, I thought about Twelve Step meetings and wondered if they were right for me.