“Although my anger did not disappear immediately, for the first time I had a sense that all the pain in my life was in some way the result of my own actions and not those of other people.”
…Voices of the Fellowship: Our Recovery, “Returning to a Professional Career”
When I came into CMA, I was surprised at how much anger I had now that I wasn’t numbing it. As I did the Steps, I saw how anger and resentments—at people, principles, and institutions—had always been the problem. Meth had been the solution, and now it was gone. In early sobriety, I directed that anger everywhere, including at myself, my fellows and CMA. My unchecked anger made it hard for people to trust me. I couldn’t trust myself not to explode in rage.
With time, I learned that anger, like all emotions, isn’t bad; it’s just human. My sobriety is not about never being angry, but how I react to the anger, and whether I can be compassionate toward myself for feeling it. I know anger can be a necessary catalyst for change, both in the world and in myself, but only if I can focus it in a healthy way. Meditating allows me to create a relationship with anger; I can see it from different perspectives and notice how it feels in my body and soul. I strive to discern the real source of the anger—usually underneath it is some other feeling: fear, grief, regret, loneliness.
The outburst is just an instant way to avoid what I’m really feeling. Pausing and allowing myself to feel will help me develop a loving relationship with myself. I need to have faith in the slow process of healing, instead of the quick fix. The only way out is through.
Prayer: Higher Power, help me become friends with my anger, and look at it with curiosity, love and compassion.