By James Ca.
Growing up in the 80s and 90s was a fun and carefree time, but my life changed forever when my parents got divorced when I was 11. My mom walked away from me, and I was left feeling scared, anxious, and alone. I fell into a deep depression, lost my friends, and struggled in school. I turned to food and TV for comfort, leading to significant weight gain.
By the time I was 15, I turned to substances. It started with alcohol and marijuana, but it was crystal meth that quickly took hold of me and flipped my life on its head. I became addicted, using it to cope with my emotions and insecurities. The addiction consumed me and led to a life of petty crimes, including stealing from my family, friends, and even strangers.
I went in and out of jail and prison multiple times, constantly wondering how I kept ending up on the same destructive path. Each time, I found myself back in prison, asking myself once again what had gone wrong. I first came across the 12 Step fellowships while I was in prison, and at the time, I viewed the participants as a bunch of losers because they were sharing their message of hope in such a dark place. However, I didn’t realize then that they were planting seeds that would eventually take root after I faced a suicide attempt and went through various halfway houses and rehabs. Throughout my journey, the consistent presence of individuals from these fellowships offered me a glimmer of hope for sobriety. In my last rehab, I found a sense of belonging in CMA, where the model of service truly resonated with me. This led me to find a sponsor who guided me through service and Step work, pulling me into events and meetings, which became a perfect outlet for my time and energy after the devastation of my addiction.
Early in recovery, I wanted to be of service, starting with something simple like chairing a meeting. Anything beyond that seemed like a chaotic headache. At about 45 days sober, I tried to get an H&I meeting chair commitment but was voted down because of my short time in recovery. Someone told me, however, that I didn’t need anyone’s permission to start a meeting and be of service—all I needed was willingness and a location.
So, I went to one of the many treatment centers I had been to in the past and started my own Hospitals & Institutions meeting on Friday nights. That meeting became a highlight of my life, helping me fight the loneliness that often comes with not partying on a Friday night. It proved to me that I could be responsible, show up when I said I would, and carry the message. Despite how I felt, I realized I wasn’t a complete piece of trash. This was the beginning of the self-esteem building that comes with the recovery process.
As I completed my steps and attended meetings, my willingness to serve grew. This eventually led me to chair an Awareness Day Event, which initially terrified me since I had never even planned a birthday party before. I soon realized that a higher power guides the outcome of events, allowing them to unfold as they should. I witnessed the unity within CMA as everyone contributed their unique talents to make the event a success.
This experience taught me that service in CMA is not about perfection or having all the answers but about a heartfelt desire to serve and trusting in the fellowship and a higher power. Throughout my journey, as I took on various positions within my home group, Intergroup/ District, and Area, I learned that while serving may seem like a sacrifice of time and energy, the rewards of service far outweigh any perceived losses.
In 2015, I joined some local service junkies on an adventure to the General Services Conference, and despite my initial doubts, I was deeply moved by the connections I made there. The warmth and acknowledgment from fellow attendees made me feel included and valued in the fellowship. As I observed the discussions about bylaws, agendas, and trustees, I found my calling in the H&I Committee, which kicked off my service journey. Through my various commitments, I not only gained a deeper understanding of the process but also fell in love with CMA’s unique and rich history, marked by both fun and dark moments. Now, I take pride in serving on several committees, even the ones I once found intimidating, like the Literature and Communications Committees.
Through my service, I’ve discovered the importance of carrying a message of hope to those who feel hopeless, reminding them that they belong and that it’s possible to overcome addiction. As I made sacrifices for service, my self-esteem began to improve, and I gained confidence in myself, feeling more comfortable looking in the mirror and smiling. Through various roles in the fellowship, I acquired valuable skills like event planning, leadership, and financial management, which have greatly benefited both my personal and professional life in ways I never expected.
Service in CMA became my lifeline during my struggles with sobriety, especially when I faced the overwhelming loneliness and darkness that made me want to numb the pain—or worse. After rushing into parenthood while still in recovery, I found myself alone with a six month-old after my family relationship crumbled under the weight of substance abuse. During that dark time, CMA service kept me moving forward. I focused on caring for my child and attending meetings instead of dwelling on my fears.
Through the fellowship of CMA, I found a supportive community that embraced both me and my child, offering the love and care we needed. Time and again, whether I lost a job, faced relationship problems, or dealt with financial stress, service helped distract me from despair, allowing God to work in my life. By staying busy with service, my life gradually transformed in ways I could never have imagined, leading to a brighter future.
Today, life looks very different from when I first came to CMA. I have a beautiful life, with security and the usual amount of life stress. Most mornings, I wake up and admire this life, hardly believing it’s mine. I recently celebrated 10 years of sobriety, and while some might say I don’t need to be as active in service anymore, I strongly disagree. Even though life has worked out and is full of other priorities, I believe service is more important than ever. Since 45 days sober, I have always held a service commitment. Service is ingrained in my life, and I couldn’t imagine not being of service of some sort to a fellowship that gave me such hope and opportunity at a beautiful life.
This is a debt I owe to CMA. I can contribute financially through the Seventh Tradition, but the reality is that money comes and goes—that alone isn’t enough for this hope-filled addict. I repay my debt with something far more valuable: my time and energy. While I may never get those back, the return on investment is amazing— happiness in life and the opportunity to make a meaningful impact within the fellowship of CMA. No matter where your journey in CMA takes you, I hope you find in service what I found: a life-saving, esteem-building, joyful experience.
