“Be still and know that I am God.”

—Heard in the rooms.

When I first arrived in CMA, I didn’t see myself reflected back at me. As a black trans femme, I felt alone, unsure about how I would fit in. Would recovery even work for me? I was scared of the whole process, but I wanted freedom from my pain, so I stuck around.

Eventually I began to let folks in, let them know a little something about me. I started to engage in the rituals of the program—diners, making coffee, holding hands, prayers. Once I saw that my new fellows did identify with me and liked me just the way I was, I started to believe that I would find relief, that the promises could come true for me. Finally, working the Steps, I began to accept the truth of my situation, the hopelessness of my life as an addict.

I must admit, it hasn’t been a smooth ride, but all the wrong turns, dead ends, bumps—and even a few accidents—have taught me valuable lessons: To always be gentle with myself. To be OK with not having all the answers. To remember that gratitude is the chief force that drives the promise of recovery. Today I must constantly practice turning my will over to my Higher Power. But I really do “intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle me.”

INTENTION: Today I will affirm every aspect of myself. I will engage in the program for the benefit of myself and others. I am determined to live free.

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