I’m very grateful to be clean today through CMA and other fellowships. My story is no different from anyone else’s, in that when I first came into recovery I wasn’t ready to give up the pain. It took me seven more years to finally understand that I have a disease and the only way I … Continue reading “No Matter What!”
I was raised in a strict, conservative Mormon household. Every Sunday I went to church. Mondays through Fridays I would wake up at 5:30 am before high school to study the Bible with my friends. The church was my begin all and end all. When I turned 14, I started wrestling with feelings of homosexuality. … Continue reading “Sex for Validation “
I am completely estranged from my family. Throughout my journey with addiction and recovery, I struggled to navigate my feelings about this. I wished for my emotions toward them to be clear-cut: either I love them or hate them; I miss them or I’m glad they’re out of my life. At times, I had even … Continue reading “Freedom Through Forgiveness”
I grew up in a large Scots-Irish family. My best friends were my cousins, and my mom’s youngest sister, who was ten years older than me. She lived with us when I was little and helped raise me. We also had a collie to help watch over me, and herd me when I speedily headed … Continue reading “A Letter from Mom”
I was a happy, happy boy. That’s all I knew. I had two parents who loved me, and two older, doting brothers who treated me like their prized possession. We lived in the suburbs for most of my childhood, but for two years in the late ’60s my parents worked on campus at a small … Continue reading “Mama’s Boy”
I didn’t think I’d ever be able to stop. I’d tried for 17 years and failed over and over and over. I could stop now and then, but I couldn’t stay stopped. I went to meetings, got a sponsor, worked Steps – but I kept relapsing because I wasn’t willing to let go. Did I … Continue reading “Reframing My Recovery”
Family used to be a big deal for me when I was little. I loved visiting my brother and telling strangers that my cousin was my sister; we were as close as sisters anyway. But from the age of 12, it was just me and mom. She moved us out of state and away from … Continue reading “Family in the Fellowship”
I came into CMA very much against my will after nearly 10 years of daily crystal meth use and living a life of insanity. Using had been really fun at first, but it soon became a daily repetition: using, looking for sex and more sex, more using and more sex, until I’d pass out. I … Continue reading “Honey, It’s Not Gonna Fall Off!”
Life was a wonderful place, or so I felt as a child. Looking back on it with healthy, adult eyes, it truly was not a healthy place. Life felt wonderful because I spent most of my childhood away from the house participating in the normalcy and comfort of other people’s family environments. I did not … Continue reading “Life Was a Wonderful Place”
I didn’t know it then, when my room was being searched for drugs, but that event–my attempted jump out of a high-rise Casino window and being stopped by a battery of police and fire personnel–would be the last time I used crystal meth. I still remember the way the words of the paramedic hit me … Continue reading “You Can’t Help Anyone Else If You Can’t Help Yourself”
“I wish I had never adopted you!” “I don’t love you!” “You make me want to kill myself!” These words made up a constant refrain that defined who I believed I was for most of my life. I was convinced that I was fundamentally broken and completely unlovable. Those beliefs would be what drove me … Continue reading “A Family of My Own Understanding”
I’ve never lived in a gray area when I used or drank. Some people can say that they didn’t know that they were addicts or alcoholics, but I knew. At the age of 13, I had my first experience with alcohol. I was with my first boyfriend, my best friend and her boyfriend, and we … Continue reading “God Answered My Request”
A Daughter’s Experience Sitting here on a Saturday afternoon with my mom, drinking coffee and reminiscing about our journey through addiction and recovery. As mother and daughter we feel we have a unique perspective on addiction. We are both addicts and we have both recovered in our own time. Looking at our experiences overwhelms me … Continue reading “A Mother and Daughter’s Perspective”
The topic of family has always been a sore subject. It was an especially difficult one to discuss early on in recovery. There are a lot of deeply rooted issues stemming from my childhood and young adulthood that led me onto the road of my addiction. I’m the youngest of three boys, the baby of … Continue reading “We’ll Love You, Until You Learn to Love Yourself”
Alright, long time ago (probably in 1980 I would say) there was a discussion about the fact that we could not talk about drugs. And so many of us, we were drug addicts and alcoholics, but they frowned upon us saying it; so you have to just slip it in or something like that. Well … Continue reading “Alright, Long Time Ago”